ALL SOULS’ DAY and GRIEVING
Kathy Boh on 30th Oct 2014
All Souls’ Day is celebrated on November 2nd. It is a day commemorating the “faithful departed”—those who die in God’s grace and fellowship. It is a day, traditionally, to remember those who have died—especially, those recently departed.
Some churches commemorate the day by celebrating the individuals who have died in their congregations that previous year. The have a special service, do things like making a banner with all the names on it, and even personalize a memory candle to give to the families present at the service. This can be very meaningful to those grieving, since the first year is often the most eventful, emotionally, as families go through the various milestones and holidays through that year. To have their loved ones remembered like this can be very comforting to the bereaved.
Grief is a process that is natural and extensive. The feelings associated with grief—and even the time span, progression, and intensity of reactions— are quite varied, depending on the individual and each unique situation. There are no real maps or blueprints to go by. There is wisdom that we can gain from those who have gone through similar experiences, and that can be helpful. But everyone’s grief is a little different.
It is normal for those in grief to not be fully functioning as they ordinarily would. It is normal to feel tired… some say “very weary…exhausted”… Words like “progress” and “formulas” and “predictable” may not be useful to gauge our path toward a new life lived without the physical presence of our loved one. As feelings, thoughts, and memories haphazardly seem to “bubble up” from inside, we can learn to rest in the fact that the deeper parts of our being are adjusting to the loss. We can get to know ourselves better, and gradually forge a new life—a new “normal”—however far from our thinking that has been up to this point.
We can all learn to be more sensitive and connected to those who are grieving. There are a couple things that may help for us to remember. No matter how passionately we feel about helping the person who is in anguish, there are some classic responses that simply do not work. For the friend of the bereaved, it is easy to feel helpless, and want to put distance between us and the bad “feelings” connected with others who are facing grief and loss. Or, in an opposite way, it is common for people to feel like they need to “fix” the bad feelings of those in grief by saying something to make the grieving person “feel better”. Simply put: We can put the “fix-it” notions out of our heads! We simply do not have the power to do what we would sometimes like to do: whisk our friend away from the maelstrom of emotions and circumstances brought on by the death of his or her loved one.
Standard “pat” answers may not do much to console a grieving friend, even though they are given with the wish that we could short circuit the process of pain and grief for them. That, of course, is impossible. Need we mention some of the extremely inappropriate things (said with the best of intentions)? They include: “Get over it” … “Snap out of it”… “It’s been long enough”… Even well-intentioned “spiritual” truisms (“He’s in a better place”… “Just trust God”…. ) can be less than useful unless we know the person intimately and understand where they are in their faith-walk. On rare occasions, some of these things can be a gentle, personal reminder from an intimate personal friend and/or confidante. But most of us do not fall into that category with the bereaved we know. Listening, and affirming them as persons, is a better position to take.
Although the truth remains that there are no quick or easy answers to remove all the pain or emotional struggles of a loved one going through a loss, there are some real and appropriate ways to be supportive, and to be a blessing to those in grief. Almost everyone feels good when they know someone else cares. We can lovingly and patiently walk alongside them (rather than pulling them along our own way). Praying for—and, sometimes, praying with them (if they agree to it)—can bring the blessing of grace and clarity, help and sustenance, provision and comfort that God loves to give when we intercede for (and pray alongside) others. Offering specific, practical help (mowing the lawn; picking children up from ball practice, etc.) can help reduce the normal stress of life.
What are some things that many grieving persons have said means something to them? Being present and even acknowledging our own helplessness can be more affirming than the altruisms and automatic responses like “I know just how you feel”. As we have said, the truth is, emotions in grief greatly fluctuate. Some have described it as an unpredictable roller coaster ride. Many things beyond our control can affect our feelings. It is quite “OK” for our feelings, moods—and even mental outlooks— to ebb and flow for some time after we experience death and loss.
There is no way of knowing, at any given time, exactly what someone in grief may or may not be feeling. (If we are grieving, we, ourselves, do not often know exactly what to expect of ourselves! Anything from scents that we smell; to seeing similar clothing or physical features of the deceased; to sudden memories… etc…. can prompt unexpected reactions.) Intensity of relationship to the deceased; the way in which someone has died; highly personal and unknown private factors… and innumerable other details make a difference in how and how intensely we grieve.
While standard “pat” answers may not do much to console a grieving friend, a willingness to be “present” and available helps bridge the gap of isolation that those in grief can feel. Grieving individuals have expressed the feeling that “life goes on” for the rest of the world, but, for them, things are no longer “normal”… and no longer “moving right along”… Some heartbrokenindividuals feel like (or express that they feel like) they are “going crazy”… because life and everyday feelings seem turned upside down. We can actually help them feel “normal” (amidst what seems like anything but normal)by our own comprehension of the fact that there is a wide range of “normal” (behavior and feelings)during the grief process. Some affirmation of what they are facing or feeling or experiencing—and a lot of love— can be reassuring.
It can vary (person to person and, at times, hourby hour in the grief process) as to whether an individual is needing more private time in grieving, or has a desire to express thoughts, feelings or memories in conversation. We can help by simply expressing the fact that we are available to listen and converse as he or she desires it. We can give them the freedom, and offer the choice in a gentle, humble way—whatever the need that he/she is currently having. We can accept their decision to talk or not talk without getting offended or making them feel compelled to do so. We can offer peaceful understanding that it is “OK” for them to not know exactly what they want or how they feel. We can encourage them to rest, and help with some tasks (including child care, or meals, for instance) to give the hands-on help, if that is possible and accepted.